To: bps@kodak.com cc: adrian@ansoft.com, Jaychap@aol.com, fdunaway@epix.net, lizexplor@aol.com, managan@netacc.net, WCMIK@msn.com, rpparker@mailbox.syr.edu, Kurt Ries/VIESystems 

From: Fred Dunaway

Subject: A good yarn. 

Captain's log Stardate 05011998. Captain Jerk of formerly of the Starship Boobieprise. 

We are back on patrol in the Fairyqueen. The Boobieprise is in space dock after suffering massive damage from the punsterıs last pun attack (A Saab story indeed!) Our mission: return to other worlds and violate the prime directive as much as possible. Starfleet felt we would be much more effective at this in the recommissioned Fairyqueen once she was towed out of the scrap yard. All of her wepons have been striped, but the Fairyqueen has shown sheıs almost indestructible.

 

 Zulu: Captain! Thereıs a yarn spinner approaching at high impulse. Should we change course to avoid them? 

 

Captain Jerk: No, they might have news of the punster. We must avoid the punster at all costs. No telling what might happen to the Fairyqueen if he where to unleash an attack. 

 

Uhria: Captain, the yarn spinner is hailing us. Should I patch them through? 

 

Captain Jerk: I havenıt herd a good yarn in a while. Patch them through. Let the whole ship hear their yarn. Yarn Spinner: Greetings to the crew of the gallant Fairyqueen. We have several excellent yarns to spin. Tell us what you would like. 

 

Captain Jerk: Uhria, ask them for a good bicycling story. 

 

Uhria: Aye Aye captain. Yarn spinner. Do you have any good bicycling stories? 

 

Yarn Spinner: Yes, we just acquired this one. Itıs an old one from your home world about a fellow and his daily commutes on his ³Kummuter Kruzzer.² The day looked like rain as I headed out. I donıt like to ride in the rain, but this day was different. The weather forecast called for clearing skies. I headed out into a light drizzle. After a short bit the drizzle turned to rain and then stopped completely. The sun came out. As usual, the Kummuter Kruzzer took the wet roads in stride. Not even the mud left on the road by the tractors could phase itıs impeccable handling. The ride in to work wasnıt to bad. During the day, the winds pick up. It looks like I will have a stiff tail wind for the ride home. It looks like a fast ride. A silly computer service person takes more time to not find the problem and Iım late. As I leave, the winds are at my back. A quick warm up, and I should be able to hammer all the way home. When I make the turn onto 88 and start down the hill, the winds help to accelerate me down the hill. The speedometer quickly heads for the Kummuter Kruzzerıs maximum. I have to hit the brakes to make the turn onto the country roads that take me home. As I head up the hill, I donıt down shift. Iım still in the big chain ring. What a ride! On the final leg of the trip home, Iım cruising at 23 MPH when a front end loader pulls out in front of me. I hit the brakes to before I hit him. The grade increases so I canıt pass. Once we hit the top of the hill, I pull around him and jam on it for everything Iıve got. With the wind at my back, I easily pull around and start down the hill. Just before the turn, Iım moving 37 MPH. Once I get home, Papageno is waiting for me to take him to play with his doggy friends at the mini match. Amazingly. I get home in time. 

 

Chekoff: Captain! My panel is showing the punster in the area! 

 

Captain Jerk: Red Alert! Snotty! Give me warp speed. 

 

Snotty: Captain, something's taken over the warp controls. Iıve lost control. I tried shoving a wienie in the warp coils, but it did not work. Would you have any mustard? 

 

Captain Jerk: Slock? Slock: No mustard Captain. Captain Jerk: Analysis Mr. Slock. 

 

Slock: Mr Snot is about to eat a wienie with out mustard. 

 

Captain Jerk: Logical as usual, Mr. Slock. Zulu get us out of here! 

 

Zulu: Sorry Captain, the helm is not responding! Something taken over the helm! 

 

Chekoff: Captain! The punsterıs uncloaking! Heıs been using the story line as a mask! 

 

Captain Jerk: Zulu; raise shields. Chekoff; Lock Phasers! Uhria; Cut off communications! 

 

Snotty: Captain, I canıt hold it! There's no power for the shields. Would you have a wee bit of Scotch to wash this weinie down? 

 

Checkoff: Captain, phasers where never re--fitted to the Fairyqueen! 

 

Uhria: Look, the punsterıs fully uncloaked. Captain, heıs taken over communications! Heıs about to..... 

 

[Punster uncloaks ahead of the Fairyqueen broadcasts a full broadside.] 

 

Gee, just think. If I didnıt ride in today, I would have been in my new car: SAABing.